Tag Archive: Humour


David's Musings



A little humour

Being utterly bored with what passes for news in the media, in particular the endless opinion polls supposedly showing voting intentions 3 months before the general election – and how many of those questioned actually know why they will be voting for the party they choose; even more importantly, how many of those questioned even understand what democracy is or how politics works in this country – I thought a little light relief was called for.

Yesterday the following appeared on twitter:


This above may well be an old joke, however, working on the basis the old ones are the best ones, where the difference twixt women and men are concerned I am reminded of something related to the chemical properties of the female sex, reputedly submitted by Mary Archer (wife of Jeffrey) to a rag-week magazine some years ago:

WOMEN: A Chemical Analysis

ATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 118 lbs., but known to vary from 110 to 550 lbs.
OCCURRENCE: Copious quantities throughout the world


  1. Surface usually covered with a painted film.
  2. Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
  3. Melts if given special treatment.
  4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
  5. Found in various states ranging from virgin to common.
  6. Yields to pressure applied to correct points.


  1. Has a great affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones.
  2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
  3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning, and for no known reason.
  4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased by saturation in alcohol.
  5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known to man.


  1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
  2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
  3. Very effective cleaning agent.


  1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
  2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.


  1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
  2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other.

In searching for the above on-line it would appear that a similar analysis for man exists, which I reproduce below, although authorship I am unable to confirm, even if only reputedly.


DISCOVERER: Eve. Discovered by accident one day when she had a craving for ribs.
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 170 lbs, known to vary from 98 to 360 lbs.
OCCURRENCE: Large quantities in all populated areas. Highly concentrated deposits at all sporting events and areas known as “singles bars”. Extremely low quantities can be found in any location where cleaning up is required. (See Women and Slave Labor)


  1. Surface often covered with hair–bristly in some areas, soft in others.
  2. Boils when inconvenienced, freezes when faced with Logic and Common Sense.
  3. Melts if treated like a God.
  4. Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle with extreme caution.
  5. Specimens can be found in various states ranging from deeply sensitive to extremely thick.
  6. Becomes stubborn and unyielding when pressure is applied; yields only when subtlety, subterfuge, flattery are applied.


  1. Is repelled by concentrated quantities of precious and semi-precious metals and stones (See Jewelery Store). However, is attracted to small quantities of these when viewed worn against the skin of a woman. It is believed woman’s skin combines with the aforementioned to create a highly magnetic attraction for this element.
  2. May explode spontaneously if wallet is opened.
  3. Requires copious quantities of substances known as attention, reassurance, and stroking.
  4. When saturated with alcohol will be fairly inert and will repel most other elements.
  5. Is repelled by most household appliances and common household cleansers.
  6. Is repelled by small children clothed in diapers, particularly those of the malodorous variety.
  7. Is rendered non-functional when confronted with the items in #5 & #6.
  8. Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness.
  9. Is impervious to embarrassment.
  10. Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent known to woman.

A little humour

Eamonn Butler (Adam Smith Institute) puts out a monthly email, from which (and I am sure – I hope – he won’t mind my reproducing his thoughts):

Britain has put the clocks back. Mind you, UKIP leader Nigel Farage would like to see them put back to before 1973! And Labour MPs have told Ed Miliband that he should stand down. (Still, they say his tennis game is improving. Even tennis balls want to distance themselves from him.)

Meanwhile, I see that cannabis is now legal in Washington DC. (Given all the crackpot ideas that come out of the place, I thought this had already happened.) The UK coalition ‘partners’, meanwhile, have been scrapping over ‘the war on drugs’. (Someone should tell them that the War on Drugs is over, and drugs won.) Adding drugs and prostitution into the GDP figures has got the UK hit with a £1.7bn membership fee. (Bad timing, since auditors have just found that the EU misspent £5.5bn last year. Most probably went on drugs and hookers.) Still, we shouldn’t knock drugs. At least they’ve taught an entire generation of kids the metric system. Content yourself with the thought that, if government were a product, selling that would be illegal too.

The Republicans swept the House and Senate this week. P J O’Rourke must be pleased. As he says “I’m a registered Republican and consider socialism a violation of the American principle that you shouldn’t stick your nose in other people’s business except to make a buck.”

Within Butler’s humour are a lot of ‘home truths’.


Have we lost our sense of humour?

From the CoffeeHouse ‘lunchtime expresso’ we learn that former Radio 1 DJ Mike Read has apologised for his Ukip calypso song amid claims that it is racist. The song, which the musician performs with a mock Carribean accent, drew complaints from people including Labour MP Chuka Umunna, who branded it ‘distasteful’. The DJ has now requested that his record company remove the single from sale, saying: ‘I am so sorry that the song unintentionally caused offence. It was never meant to, and I apologise unreservedly.’

So one Labour politician chuka his rattle outta de pram over what is a satirical record, consequently the singer apologises and asks his record company to withdraw it from sale? Is not part of British humour poking fun at others? If a song is written in calypso format then where is the harm in performing it in the style of those that originated it?

I do not recall any outcry at the time Lance Percival performed topical calypsos (with a mock Caribbean accent) on That Was The Week That Was. Neither do I recall any outcry at the antics of Charlie Williams (The Comedians) whose humour was  often at his own expense and particularly his colour – and who would respond to heckling by saying: If you don’t shut up, I’ll come and move in next door to you.

Umunna considers himself a Brit – to which one can only say: Chuka, me ol flower, first, what the hell has it to do with you; and second, if you don’t like our humour then find a country whose humour you do like.




Time for a little ‘dry’ humour – the use of English words by the Swiss.

Oh for bygone days…….

The main article in Christopher Booker’s regular column in the Sunday Telegraph is, unsurprisingly, about the energy crisis – however a ‘must read’ is a subsidiary article, which is a cri de coeur for a return to the standards of the 60s where culinary cuisine is concerned.

Trust me, it is a ‘must read’ – if just for the humour contained therein!

Senior citizenship

For those of us who are advancing in years, the following video may well resonate.


MacShane: the pryce is right

A little political “tittle-tattle” from James Kirkup’s Telegraph Evening Briefing:

“……Mr Macshane, who left Parliament last year, is currently in a relationship with Vicky Pryce, the former wife of Chris Huhne, another former MP.”

When one’s social, career and emotional life seems to have hit the depths of despair, surely there is a limit to the question: ” Huhne can I turn to?”

Having experienced the “delights” of a close relationship with a woman on three occasions and thus become a cynic on such matters – each of which lasted seven years (which is what I suggest MacShane should get, if proven guilty – but I digress) – perhaps MacShane is just attempting to rub a bit of Vick(y) on his chest in order to gain an insight to “life inside” and thus “ease” his breathing time?

Just a thought…….

Afterthought: One wonders whether the phrase: “come on down” ever passed his lips? (self-administered “slapped wrist” has already followed)

Getting the message across

Courtesy of Ian Parker-Joseph who comments that it takes a cartoon to get the message across:




Rapped knuckles

As I reported yesterday Barroso delivered his “rapped knuckles” admonishments to each of the 27 member states, which where Belgium is concerned, courtesy of Pressurop, has prompted the following to appear from Belgian daily De Standaard:

“Belgium escaped a fine for its excessively high deficit, but the Commission made some strict recommendations on May 29, notes Belgian daily De Standaard. Olli Rehn, the Commissioner for Economic and Monetary Affairs, asked the Belgian government to slash an additional €3bn from its budget in 2014, to end early retirement and to stop automatically raising salaries to meet inflation. It also asked for the division of responsibility for public spending between the federal and regional authorities to be revised.

The EU wants to see the responsibilities, which are a source of conflict between linguistic communities [French and Dutch speaking], codified in the country’s new public finance legislation.”

 And from Le Soir:


José Manuel Barroso – “Belgium: No fine, but a €1bn worth of savings to be made. And 30 more days of rain. Next!”

Belgian Prime Minister Elio Di Rupo – “These rainy days are awful.”

Born in 1958 in what is now the Democratic Republic of the Congo (at the time it was still a Belgian colony), Pierre Kroll initially studied environmental science and architecture before embarking on a career as a freelance cartoonist in 1985. Today, he is the resident cartoonist for both the daily Le Soir and the weeklyTélémoustique, and appears on RTBF‘s Sunday current affairs programme, which broadcasts live footage of his work as it is being drawn. He is also popular in France, where his cartoons often feature in Courrier International. In 1986, he was awarded the French Prix de l’humour vache (Caustic Humour Prize), and he won the Press Cartoon of Belgium award for best cartoonist in both 2006 and 2009.


David's Musings


1 Comment »

On a lighter note………..

a warning to the fair sex:


And on an even lighter note, if you want proof that muslims do not believe in sexual equality, then answer me – how many male virgins are there? Just asking…….

H/T Ian Parker-Joseph

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